Who is the Maternal Gatekeeper and How Do I Know I'm Behaving Like Her?

Becoming a parent is an exciting and transformative time, but it also comes with its challenges, particularly when it comes to dividing parenting responsibilities. In many families, especially during the antenatal period and in the early stages of parenthood, mothers may take on a more dominant role in caregiving. However, in some cases, this can lead to what is known as maternal gatekeeping. But who is the maternal gatekeeper, and how can you recognise if you’re behaving like one?

In this article, we will explore the concept of maternal gatekeeping, how it affects family dynamics, and how it can impact relationships. We’ll also discuss what steps parents can take to share responsibilities more equally and support each other during this critical period. As part of this journey, we’ll highlight the importance of antenatal care and education, as well as relaxation practices like antenatal yoga and prenatal massage, to ensure both parents are emotionally prepared for their new roles.

What is Maternal Gatekeeping?

Maternal gatekeeping refers to the actions, attitudes, and behaviours that mothers exhibit that either encourage or discourage fathers (or partners) from becoming more involved in parenting duties. It can range from unintentional habits like correcting your partner’s way of handling the baby to more overt behaviours like taking complete control over parenting tasks and making the father feel as though his involvement is unwelcome or inadequate.

Maternal gatekeeping can stem from a variety of factors, including societal expectations that mothers are the primary caregivers, anxiety over how well the father will perform tasks, or even a mother’s personal identity being tied closely to her role as the primary carer. While it is natural for new mothers to be protective of their baby and want to ensure everything is done “right,” gatekeeping can have negative consequences for the father’s confidence and the overall family dynamic.

In the UK, health visitors and antenatal clinics often emphasise the importance of both parents being actively involved in caregiving. They recognise that shared parenting can strengthen relationships and provide emotional support for both parents. By addressing maternal gatekeeping early, couples can ensure a more balanced partnership, with both parents feeling empowered to contribute equally.

Signs You May Be Acting as a Maternal Gatekeeper

Recognising the signs of maternal gatekeeping can be challenging, particularly if these behaviours have become habitual or are driven by concern for your baby’s well-being. Here are some key signs that may indicate you’re behaving as a maternal gatekeeper:

1. Criticising Your Partner’s Parenting Style

If you frequently find yourself critiquing your partner’s way of feeding, changing, or comforting the baby, it may signal gatekeeping. While it’s natural to have your preferences, constantly pointing out mistakes or redoing tasks can make your partner feel inadequate.

2. Reassuring the Father in Small Roles

Do you give your partner only small tasks to complete, such as fetching nappies or tidying up after the baby? If you limit your partner’s responsibilities to minor jobs, it can prevent him from gaining confidence in more significant caregiving tasks, such as bathing, feeding, or putting the baby to sleep.

3. Taking Over Parenting Duties

If your partner starts changing the baby’s nappy but you immediately step in because you’re worried it won’t be done correctly, this is a common sign of gatekeeping. While it may seem like you’re being helpful, it can undermine your partner’s confidence and contribute to a dynamic where one parent is overburdened with caregiving responsibilities.

4. Feeling That Your Way is the Only Way

One of the most common indicators of maternal gatekeeping is the belief that your way of parenting is the only correct way. This can prevent open communication about how both parents can contribute equally to caregiving and can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration in your partner.

5. Excluding Your Partner from Decision-Making

If you make key decisions about the baby’s care without consulting your partner, you may be engaging in gatekeeping. Parenting is a shared responsibility, and decisions should be made together, whether it’s choosing a paediatrician or deciding on a routine.

The Impact of Maternal Gatekeeping on Relationships

Maternal gatekeeping can create tension between partners, leading to a feeling of imbalance in caregiving duties and contributing to relationship problems. Fathers who are consistently excluded from caregiving roles may feel undervalued, which can reduce their desire to participate and lead to frustration or disengagement.

1. Eroding Confidence

When mothers constantly take over or correct their partner’s efforts, it can erode the father’s confidence in his ability to care for the baby. This lack of confidence may make him less likely to engage with the baby, creating a cycle where the mother does more and the father does less.

2. Increased Stress for Mothers

Mothers who take on the majority of parenting duties may experience burnout, stress, and even feelings of resentment. When a mother feels like the “default” parent, it can create an imbalance in the household, leading to increased tension and arguments.

3. Undermining Co-Parenting

Healthy co-parenting requires mutual trust and respect, which is difficult to maintain if one partner feels they are not trusted with parenting tasks. Maternal gatekeeping can create a divide between parents, making it harder to work together as a team and weakening the overall family dynamic.

How to Stop Maternal Gatekeeping

Breaking the cycle of maternal gatekeeping involves both self-awareness and practical steps to foster a more balanced partnership. Here’s how you can start sharing responsibilities and building a healthy co-parenting dynamic:

1. Recognise Your Behaviours

The first step to stopping maternal gatekeeping is acknowledging that it’s happening. Reflect on your actions and consider whether you are unintentionally taking over tasks or criticising your partner’s parenting methods. It may help to have an open conversation with your partner about how they feel and whether they’ve noticed any gatekeeping tendencies.

2. Encourage Your Partner’s Involvement

Give your partner the opportunity to take on caregiving tasks independently. This may involve stepping back and allowing them to handle things their own way, even if it’s different from how you would do it. Trusting your partner’s abilities and giving them space to learn can build their confidence and strengthen your co-parenting bond.

3. Share Parenting Responsibilities Equally

Divide caregiving responsibilities so that both parents are equally involved. This might include alternating night feeds, sharing bath time duties, or taking turns with nappy changes. Shared parenting not only helps reduce the workload but also promotes a stronger emotional bond between father and baby.

4. Take Time for Self-Care

It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking on everything yourself, but self-care is crucial for new parents. Antenatal massage or prenatal yoga can help you relax and manage stress during pregnancy. These activities not only support your physical well-being but also give you time to reflect on the importance of balanced parenting.

5. Attend Antenatal Classes Together

In the UK, antenatal classes near me often provide valuable education for both parents. Attending classes together can foster a shared understanding of parenting responsibilities, preparing both partners for their roles in the baby’s care. These classes also provide practical guidance on managing stress and navigating relationship dynamics after the baby is born.

6. Be Patient and Communicate Openly

Transitioning to a more balanced parenting dynamic takes time and patience. Open communication is key to addressing any issues or concerns that may arise. Check in with each other regularly to ensure that both parents feel supported and valued in their parenting roles.

The Role of Antenatal Support in Healthy Co-Parenting

Antenatal support in the UK is designed to help expectant parents prepare for the physical, emotional, and relational challenges of parenthood. Antenatal care often involves more than just medical checkups; it includes emotional support, parenting education, and resources to help couples navigate the transition to parenthood.

1. Antenatal Clinics and Checkups

During regular antenatal appointments and antenatal checkups, healthcare professionals can provide advice on managing stress, maintaining a healthy relationship, and preparing both parents for their roles in the baby’s care. These appointments are an opportunity to ask questions about shared parenting and seek guidance on fostering a balanced partnership.

2. Antenatal Education

Many parents find that attending antenatal classes offers valuable insight into how to work as a team after the baby arrives. Topics such as baby care, emotional support, and stress management are often covered in these classes, helping parents build the foundation for a healthy co-parenting relationship.

3. Relaxation and Stress Relief

In addition to formal antenatal support, relaxation techniques like antenatal yoga or pregnancy massage benefits can help expectant mothers manage stress and prevent burnout. These activities offer time to reflect, recharge, and consider how to foster a supportive and collaborative parenting dynamic.