What Do I Say to the Question "Was It Planned?" Navigating Pregnancy Conversations

Pregnancy is an exciting, life-changing journey, but it also comes with its share of personal questions from family, friends, and even strangers. One of the most common—and often uncomfortable—questions expectant parents may encounter is, “Was it planned?”

While it may seem like an innocent inquiry, the question of whether a pregnancy was planned can feel invasive and emotionally charged for many. It can bring up complex feelings, particularly when it relates to a deeply personal matter like antenatal mental health. So, how should you respond to this question in a way that feels right for you?

In this guide, we’ll explore why this question can be challenging, provide suggestions for different ways to respond, and offer advice on how to protect your emotional well-being during pregnancy. We’ll also discuss how antenatal care, including antenatal support and managing your mental health, can help you navigate these potentially tricky conversations.

Why Is “Was It Planned?” a Sensitive Question?

For some, the question “Was it planned?” is loaded with assumptions. It can make parents feel like they need to justify their pregnancy, regardless of whether it was meticulously planned or an unexpected surprise. The decision to start or expand a family is a personal one, and every pregnancy journey is unique.

In some cases, parents may have experienced fertility challenges or pregnancy loss, which can make this question even more delicate. For others, pregnancy may have come sooner or later than expected, and discussing the details with others might not feel appropriate.

It’s important to remember that you are not obligated to share personal details about your pregnancy with anyone, and you have the right to protect your privacy. Pregnancy is a deeply personal experience, and how much you choose to share is entirely up to you.

Antenatal Mental Health: How Invasive Questions Can Impact Your Well-being

Navigating the physical changes and emotions that come with pregnancy can be challenging enough without the added pressure of answering intrusive questions. Maintaining your antenatal mental health during pregnancy is just as important as your physical health, and it’s essential to recognise when certain questions or comments are affecting your emotional well-being.

Questions like “Was it planned?” may seem harmless to the person asking, but they can trigger anxiety, stress, or feelings of judgment, particularly if the pregnancy was unexpected or if the parent is dealing with complicated emotions. Mind highlights the importance of mental health during the antenatal period, noting that stress and anxiety during pregnancy can lead to more significant challenges if left unaddressed.

By equipping yourself with a range of responses and maintaining a supportive network, you can better manage your emotional well-being during these conversations. Antenatal support, including discussing your concerns with a healthcare provider or attending antenatal classes that focus on mental health, can provide the tools you need to navigate these situations with confidence.

Different Ways to Respond to “Was It Planned?”

How you choose to respond to the question “Was it planned?” depends entirely on your comfort level, the context, and who is asking. Here are a few approaches you can consider:

1. Keep It Brief and Neutral

If you prefer not to engage in a long conversation, a short, polite response can help you maintain your boundaries without feeling the need to explain yourself.

Example: “We’re really excited about the baby, and that’s all that matters to us!” This type of response shifts the focus away from the specifics and emphasises your positive feelings about the pregnancy.

2. Redirect the Conversation

When you don’t feel comfortable answering directly, you can gently redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic.

Example: “It’s been quite the journey, but we’re thrilled to be expecting. How’s everything going with you?” This allows you to acknowledge the question without providing personal details, while smoothly moving the conversation elsewhere.

3. Humour

Sometimes, humour can help diffuse an awkward situation, especially if the question comes from someone close to you who doesn’t mean to cause harm.

Example: “We’re just happy it happened—planned or unplanned, this baby is already calling the shots!” A light-hearted answer can ease tension and help you feel more in control of the situation.

4. Honesty—If You Feel Comfortable

If you feel safe and supported by the person asking, you might choose to be open about your experience, especially if it was a journey that involved difficulty or surprise.

Example: “It wasn’t exactly planned, but we’re feeling grateful and excited for what’s to come.” Honesty can be empowering, especially when shared in the right context, but it’s important to gauge whether the situation feels appropriate for this level of openness.

5. Set Clear Boundaries

If the question feels too invasive or the context makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to set firm boundaries.

Example: “I prefer not to talk about the details, but thank you for understanding.” Setting boundaries is an essential part of maintaining your mental health and protecting your emotional space, particularly when facing personal questions during the antenatal period.

How to Protect Your Mental Health During Pregnancy

It’s important to recognise that well-meaning but invasive questions like “Was it planned?” can take a toll on your mental health. That’s why self-care and antenatal care should go hand in hand. Here are some practical steps to protect your emotional well-being during pregnancy:

1. Antenatal Support

Seeking professional support during pregnancy is crucial for your mental health. In the UK, you have access to antenatal care services that include mental health support. NHS antenatal care services offer mental health screenings as part of routine antenatal appointments, which can help you discuss any concerns with your midwife or GP.

2. Practice Relaxation Techniques

Pregnancy can be physically and mentally exhausting, and taking time for relaxation is essential. Activities like antenatal yoga or a prenatal massage can help alleviate stress and improve your overall sense of well-being. NHS recommendations suggest that low-impact exercises, such as yoga during pregnancy, can help reduce anxiety and improve mental clarity. Incorporating regular relaxation routines into your antenatal fitness plan can make a significant difference.

3. Seek Community and Connection

Talking to other parents who are experiencing similar challenges can be incredibly reassuring. Consider joining an antenatal class or attending local antenatal education sessions where you can connect with other expectant parents. These groups often provide a safe space to share your feelings, ask questions, and find support.

4. Speak to a Mental Health Professional

If you find that questions like “Was it planned?” are triggering feelings of anxiety or distress, don’t hesitate to seek help from a mental health professional. Counselling or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can be beneficial during the antenatal period, helping you manage any emotional challenges that arise. You can also ask your GP about accessing antenatal support for mental health through the NHS.

How Antenatal Education Can Help

Attending antenatal education sessions is a great way to feel empowered during your pregnancy. These sessions provide valuable information on physical health, antenatal care, and mental health during pregnancy, helping you build confidence in your journey to parenthood.

Many antenatal clinics offer classes that not only cover topics like childbirth and breastfeeding but also discuss the emotional aspects of pregnancy, equipping you with strategies to manage mental health and interpersonal challenges. These classes can be a great resource if you want to learn more about coping with intrusive questions and navigating the emotional aspects of pregnancy.

Conclusion

When someone asks, “Was it planned?” it’s important to remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Whether your pregnancy was meticulously planned or a joyful surprise, the only opinion that truly matters is yours. The most important thing is to focus on your well-being and what feels right for you.

Protecting your mental health during pregnancy is key, and this means setting boundaries, seeking antenatal support, and practising self-care. Whether it’s through attending antenatal appointments, engaging in prenatal yoga, or seeking professional mental health care, there are numerous resources available to help you navigate your pregnancy with confidence.