How to Cope With Judgment When Using a Surrogate

Choosing to bring a child into the world is an intensely personal decision, yet society often subjects it to public scrutiny, especially when the journey to parenthood involves surrogacy. Despite growing acceptance, many parents who choose surrogacy face judgment and misunderstanding from various quarters—family, friends, co-workers, and even social media. The recent experience of actress Lily Collins, who faced backlash after sharing her surrogacy journey, highlights how pervasive these judgments can be. Coping with this kind of judgment requires emotional resilience, careful planning, and a strong support system. While surrogate mothers are the ones carrying the baby, intended parents must also engage in various forms of antenatal preparation to ensure they’re ready to welcome their child. This article will explore how to deal with the judgment associated with surrogacy, the importance of antenatal care even for intended parents, and why antenatal classes remain vital for parents expecting via surrogate.

Understanding Surrogacy Stigma

Despite surrogacy being a legally recognised and increasingly common option for parenthood in the UK, it still carries social stigma. Much of the judgment stems from misconceptions around the process. Some view surrogacy as “taking the easy way out,” while others have ethical or moral concerns about the arrangement. For intended mothers, there may also be hurtful assumptions regarding their reasons for choosing surrogacy, especially if medical or fertility issues are not immediately apparent. When Lily Collins spoke about her surrogacy journey, some social media users criticised her decision, speculating on why she couldn’t or didn’t carry the child herself. These kinds of comments, though often rooted in ignorance, can feel deeply personal and isolating. However, understanding that this judgment reflects a lack of knowledge rather than any true reflection of you or your choices is crucial in building emotional resilience.

1. The Importance of Emotional Self-Care

Choosing surrogacy often comes after a long and emotionally draining fertility journey. Once the decision is made, many parents hope for peace and joy as they prepare for their baby’s arrival. However, coping with judgment and unsolicited opinions from others can take a toll on your emotional well-being. One important aspect of antenatal care for intended parents via surrogacy is to ensure emotional self-care. Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, and communities who understand or empathise with your journey. Therapy or counselling can also be incredibly beneficial, providing a safe space to process any feelings of guilt, frustration, or anxiety. Online communities, such as surrogacy support groups, can be a valuable resource as well. Hearing the experiences of other parents can provide reassurance and reduce the feeling of isolation that sometimes accompanies the surrogacy journey.

2. Developing Coping Strategies for Judgment

Here are a few strategies to help you deal with judgment regarding surrogacy:

• Set Boundaries: It’s crucial to set emotional and conversational boundaries with those around you. If someone brings up your surrogacy journey in a way that feels invasive or judgmental, politely but firmly remind them that it’s a personal matter.
• Prepare Responses: You may encounter well-meaning but intrusive questions, such as “Why didn’t you carry the baby yourself?” or “Isn’t it hard to bond with the baby when someone else is carrying it?” Preparing responses ahead of time can help you feel more in control. For example, “We’re so grateful for our surrogate, and we’re focused on preparing for our child’s arrival.”
• Focus on Your Own Experience: Each parent’s journey to parenthood is unique. Keep reminding yourself that the opinions of others have no bearing on your bond with your child or your capability as a parent.

Physical and Psychological Preparation for Intended Parents

Many people mistakenly assume that if you’re not physically carrying the baby, you don’t need to prepare yourself in the same way. This couldn’t be further from the truth. While intended parents may not experience the physical symptoms of pregnancy, they still need to prepare psychologically, emotionally, and logistically for the arrival of their baby.

1. Psychological Preparation

Becoming a parent is a major life change, and the emotional transition is just as significant for parents expecting via surrogacy. Attending antenatal classes is highly recommended, as these classes often cover essential topics such as newborn care, bonding techniques, and coping with the demands of early parenthood. In addition to standard antenatal education, it may also be helpful to attend support groups or seek therapy to explore any feelings related to not carrying the baby yourself. This is especially important if you’ve experienced fertility challenges, as unresolved grief or anxiety can sometimes resurface during the surrogacy process.

2. Attending Antenatal Classes

Although intended mothers are not physically carrying the child, they are still encouraged to attend antenatal classes near me or online to prepare for the baby’s arrival. These classes can provide crucial education about newborn care, feeding, and bonding techniques, all of which are important regardless of how the baby is born. Classes that focus on topics like infant CPR, understanding baby sleep patterns, and establishing a feeding routine can be invaluable. For instance, NCT classes in the UK offer a range of options, from birth preparation to infant first aid, and are open to all parents, including those expecting via surrogacy. Unlike women who are physically pregnant, intended mothers might skip antenatal yoga or prenatal yoga, which focus on preparing the body for birth. Instead, they may prefer relaxation during pregnancy techniques or antenatal fitness exercises that help reduce stress and build resilience.

3. Building a Support Network

Building a strong support system is crucial for emotional and psychological well-being. Besides antenatal support, connecting with other parents who’ve gone through the surrogacy process can be incredibly empowering. They can offer insights and advice on managing the emotional rollercoaster that often accompanies surrogacy. Consider joining a local or online surrogacy support group. The UK-based charity Surrogacy UK provides guidance and a sense of community for intended parents, offering an opportunity to connect with others who understand your experience.

Financial and Legal Considerations for Surrogacy

Unlike traditional pregnancies, surrogacy involves additional financial and legal responsibilities. In the UK, surrogacy agreements are not legally binding, but there are certain legal steps you’ll need to follow to establish your parental rights. It’s crucial to prepare for this process ahead of time.

1. Financial Preparation

The cost of surrogacy in the UK varies, but intended parents should budget for legal fees, medical expenses, and any other costs associated with the pregnancy. It’s also worth considering life insurance and financial planning to ensure your family’s future security. While this may not seem directly related to antenatal care, financial stress can impact your mental well-being. By being financially prepared, you can focus on your baby’s arrival without additional worries.

2. Legal Considerations

In the UK, you’ll need to apply for a Parental Order after the birth to become the legal parents of your child. It’s advisable to consult a solicitor who specialises in family law and surrogacy to ensure the process goes smoothly.

Navigating Surrogacy with Confidence

Using a surrogate to expand your family is a deeply personal choice, one that requires emotional strength, financial preparation, and practical planning. The judgment that comes with surrogacy, as Lily Collins recently experienced, can be difficult to navigate, but by setting boundaries, focusing on your journey, and engaging in appropriate antenatal preparation, you can feel confident in your path to parenthood. Your journey may look different from others, but that does not diminish the love, dedication, or effort you invest in bringing your baby into the world. By attending antenatal classes, seeking out emotional and community support, and preparing yourself psychologically and financially, you are setting the foundation for a healthy and happy transition into parenthood.