Fifteen Things a Birth Partner Should NEVER Say During Labour

When preparing for the arrival of a baby, the birth partner plays a critical role in supporting the expectant mother during the process of labour. Antenatal care focuses on ensuring that both the mother and the baby are healthy, but the birth partner’s emotional and physical support is equally as vital. A well-prepared and attentive birth partner can make a huge difference in how the birthing experience unfolds. Good antenatal education is essential in helping the birth partner understand their role and how they can best support the mother. During the antenatal appointments, many expectant parents discuss the birth plan, preferences, and what will make the labour process smoother. This includes conversations about language and behaviour that may or may not be welcomed during labour. A key part of this preparation is ensuring that the birth partner knows what NOT to say to the expectant mother during the most intense moments of labour. Here’s a list of fifteen things that should never come out of a birth partner’s mouth, and how to ensure the mother feels respected and empowered! She’s got this!

1. “Just Breathe, You’re Doing Great!”

While this phrase may seem supportive, it can often feel patronising or dismissive during labour. The process of childbirth is physically demanding, and telling a woman to “just breathe” might imply that she is not handling it well enough. Instead, focus on providing comfort by offering reassurance through actions, like holding her hand or adjusting her position. Tip: Learn to ask the expectant mother what type of encouragement she prefers. Some might appreciate a more active form of support, while others may want quiet companionship.

2. “I Know This is Hard, But It Will Be Worth It!”

Although this phrase is often said with good intentions, it can undermine the mother’s experience by suggesting that her feelings of discomfort or pain are somehow invalid. Labour is hard, and while the baby’s arrival will be joyful, it’s important not to minimise the very real struggles the mother is facing. Tip: Instead, try saying something more supportive like, “I’m here with you, and we’ll get through this together.”

3. “You’re Almost There!”

During long labours, hearing “You’re almost there” can feel like false hope if it’s not true. Depending on how far along the mother is, this phrase could make her feel worse if the end of labour is still far off. Tip: Instead, provide calm and factual encouragement, such as, “You’re doing so well. Every contraction brings us one step closer.”

4. “Do You Really Need That Epidural?”

Labour is incredibly personal, and a woman’s choice for pain relief, whether it’s an epidural or another method, should never be questioned. Comments like this can make the mother feel judged or unsupported, especially if she is already feeling vulnerable. Tip: Refrain from questioning her pain relief choices. Instead, support her decision, whether it’s opting for an epidural, natural birth, or anything else.

5. “You’re Being Really Loud/Quiet.”

Comments on how loud or quiet the mother is during labour can be distracting and unhelpful. Birth is a physical and emotional experience, and everyone reacts differently. Some women may vocalise to cope with the pain, while others may be more inward and quiet. Tip: Focus on the mother’s needs rather than how she is expressing herself. Stay present and attuned to her cues.

6. “Why Don’t You Try Walking Around?”

While movement can help some women during labour, suggesting that a woman walk around when she is in severe pain can feel dismissive of her current state. It’s important to recognise when she needs rest versus when she may benefit from movement. Tip: Check in with her—ask if she’d like to try moving around or changing positions, but don’t push if she’s not ready.

7. “Let’s Do This Like We Practised!”

If you’ve discussed a birth plan together during antenatal classes or appointments, it’s important to remember that things may not go as planned. A rigid insistence on sticking to the plan can feel frustrating if circumstances change, like an unexpected medical intervention. Tip: Remain flexible and reassure her that whatever happens, you’ll adapt together. Support her regardless of the way labour progresses.

8. “It’s Not That Bad.”

Even if you have experienced childbirth indirectly, like through friends or family, this phrase can be seen as dismissive of the intense experience the mother is going through. Labour pain is unique to every individual, and it’s important to recognise and validate her feelings. Tip: Acknowledge her pain by saying, “I can see this is really tough, and I’m so proud of you.”

9. “I Don’t Think You’re Pushing Enough.”

Labour can involve moments of extreme exhaustion, especially in the pushing stage. Telling the mother she isn’t pushing hard enough can feel discouraging and could create unnecessary stress. Every woman’s body works at its own pace. Tip: Instead, offer encouraging words like, “You’re doing an amazing job. Let’s work through this together.”

10. “Can You Try to Smile?”

Telling a woman in labour to smile can undermine the very real and intense emotions she’s experiencing. It’s important to let her express herself freely without forcing her to put on a happy face. Tip: Focus on comforting her by offering a hand to hold or helping her adjust her position, rather than trying to change her mood.

11. “Let’s Keep It Down, People Are Trying to Sleep.”

In labour, a woman’s body is doing incredible work, and she may vocalise her discomfort or even scream. It’s important to remember that labour is a physical and emotional process, and minimising her vocal expressions can be alienating. Tip: Focus on her comfort, and don’t worry about what others are thinking. Reassure her that you’re there for her no matter how loud it gets.

12. “I Told You This Would Happen!”

Comments that blame or accuse the mother for anything that goes wrong during labour (even if things are not going according to plan) can make her feel unsupported. Blaming statements erode the trust between the birth partner and the mother, especially in challenging moments. Tip: Focus on reassurance and partnership, no matter what happens. “We’re in this together.”

13. “Don’t Worry, I’ll Tell the Doctors What You Want.”

A good birth partner should never take over the communication process. While you might want to advocate for her, it’s important that the mother feels heard and empowered to express her own wishes during labour. Tip: Ensure that you are both communicating with medical staff together. Be her voice when needed, but always prioritise her ability to make decisions.

14. “You Look So Tired!”

While it’s true that many women feel exhausted during labour, commenting on how tired she looks can remind her of how overwhelming the experience feels. She may already be fully aware of how exhausted she is. Tip: Instead of focusing on how she looks, reassure her that she’s doing great and offer support in practical ways, like getting her a drink or adjusting her position.

15. “I’m So Excited for the Baby to Arrive!”

While you may be excited about meeting the baby, focusing on the baby’s arrival before the mother has the space to process her own feelings about labour can feel dismissive. Labour is the mother’s experience, and it should remain the focus during this time. Tip: Focus on the present moment, offering your emotional and physical support to the mother. When the time is right, you can celebrate the baby’s arrival together.

Supporting Your Partner Through Antenatal Preparation

The role of a birth partner is vital to a positive birthing experience. Through antenatal education, it’s important to communicate with the expectant mother about the language, tone, and behaviour that she prefers. Each woman’s labour journey is unique, and by being open and adaptable, you’ll be able to provide the support she needs. A good birth partner learns and adapts, ensuring that every moment during labour is filled with love, care, and empathy.